Sharpe Words

The golden shower of writing rules

• Don’t use adverbs. Please take note Stephen King, deep sigh.
• Don’t use adjectives.
• Don’t use exclamation marks.
• Don’t use parentheses. (Google it, eejit)
• Don’t use ellipses. (Ditto…)
• Don’t use italics.
• Don’t start with a flashback.
• Don’t start with the weather.
• Don’t start with dialogue.
• Don’t start with a dream, ahem Rebecca.
• Don’t start at all, if you’re crap at writing. That applies to most of you btw.
• Don’t waste your time reading. Only a handful of books are any good – see Must Reads. Beware all books that have won awards; the judges have usually been bribed/threatened.
• Don’t overuse your limited imagination. That’s what ChatGPT is for.
• Show, never tell. Let the lazy reader do some friggin’ work.
• Do use as many expletives as possible. Write them the fuck down or fuck the fuck off.
• Do describe in detail – without using adverbs or adjectives – all bodily fluids exchanged in sex scenes.
• Do include gratuitous sex scenes.
• Enough with the present tense already! You’re not Hilary Mantel and you never will be.
• Edit your work until the point of nervous breakdown. Then remember, nobody cares about your pathetic writing and everyone’s laughing at you.
• When submitting to agents, do open with a joke. They love that.
• When submitting to agents, don’t suck up to them. Remind them how lucky they are to read a sample of your work.
• Agents pretend to be busy and moan about staff shortages, but all they really do is check the Mail Online’s sidebar of shame, stuff themselves with Ottolenghi cakes and mainline heroin.
• Remember that you know a lot more about writing that 90% agents/editors. Tell them that in BLOCK CAPS.
• If in doubt, give up and watch Real Housewives of New Jersey.