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Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
The Castle of Otranto – Horace Walpole
Chapter 1
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.
No one likes a smart-arse, so cut this opening purple prose. Keep it simple stupid: ‘A loaded bachelor rides into town.’ Maybe not loaded, suggests he’s an addict. That would help liven up the plot though. I’d suggest a blinged-up bachelor here, and you can always add synthetic opioids in later. Maybe, Darcy makes his dosh from dealing crystal meth. Like Breaking Bad with bonnets and cravats.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.
This is all very heteronormative and no agent/editor worth their salt would risk taking you on. Also, by using words like property in this context, you’re just begging to be cancelled. Great PR tbf – might even get you a spot on the Joe Rogan podcast.
“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?”
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
“But it is,” returned she; “for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.”
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
“Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife impatiently.
“YOU want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”
This was invitation enough.
B-O-R-I-N-G. Cut to the chase. Or the chaise…
“Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune from the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take possession before Michaelmas,
Only Etonians get Michaelmas. Use Halloween = way more fun. Although, avoid trick or treat like the plague.
and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week.”
“What is his name?”
“Bingley.”
“Is he married or single?”
“Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand
typo: million/billion?
a year. What a fine thing for our girls!”
Right, now I get it, they’re would-be historical WAGS. Not supposed to use that term anymore, so I didn’t say that 😉
“How so? How can it affect them?”
“My dear Mr. Bennet,” replied his wife, “how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them.”
“Is that his design in settling here?”
“Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he MAY fall in love with one of them, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes.” “I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Mr. Bingley may like you the best of the party.”
Mr and Mrs Bennet really should be having sex here. They sound dead vanilla, so keep it missionary. This is supposed to be erotic romance, right? Because that’s the only way you’re going to flog it. Talking of which, Darcy should definitely be into S&M. (Reckon he’d be more M than S.) Whereas Mr & Mrs B are more M&S.
“My dear, you flatter me. I certainly HAVE had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a woman has five grown-up daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty.”
“In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of.”
“But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Mr. Bingley when he comes into the neighbourhood.”
Just cut to the ball scene when Liz meets Darcy. Think Bridgerton, and big up heaving bodices. Literally. Flash some nipples asap, or you’ll lose the reader. Also, add tight, bulging breeches.
“It is more than I engage for, I assure you.”
“But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for US to visit him if you do not.”
“You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Bingley will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his marrying whichever he chooses of the girls; though I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy.”
“I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Jane, nor half so good-humoured as Lydia. But you are always giving HER the preference.”
Dear God, this smacks of incest and you’re not in the Booker Prize league, so forget the dark stuff.
“They have none of them much to recommend them,” replied he; “they are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of quickness than her sisters.”
“Mr. Bennet, how CAN you abuse
↑ change to ‘slag off”
your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.”
“You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least.”
Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. HER mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper.
Patriarchal narrative. I see Mrs Bennet more as an influencer of her time. Talking of which, I hope you have a decent social media following – you’re going to need all the help you can get, love.
When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her daughters married; its solace was visiting and news.
I skimmed your convoluted synopsis and am not going to lie, considered binning it there and then. But in the spirit of sisterly mentorship, I came up with many ways to improve it. Mainly, to ditch it! Kidding. Slightly. Here’s a few of my ideas for free. Alright, I know you’ve paid, but I’m going above and beyond out of sheer pity.
1) When Liz checks out Darcy’s gaff up North, have her bump into him as he emerges through swirling mist from a skinny dip in his lake.
2) Insert a vicious Fight Club scene between Wickham and Darcy. Picture ripped torsos with blood, sweat and teeth flying around.
3) End it with Darcy in a gimp mask, manacled in his sex dungeon. While Liz and Jane sip tea and scream obscenities at him. Read Fifty Shades of Grey for some tips if you’re not familiar with the kink scene.
4) Your title’s rubbish. Change it to something like ‘Puff and Perversion.’
Sharpe Words 